I want people to know they are not broken

Not my natural habitat

People often assume that because I have a PhD I must have set out to write a book. The truth is almost the opposite. My doctorate is in native birds. I am a maths and science teacher. Writing has never been something that came naturally to me. In fact, if someone asked me to write a story, I would probably break into a sweat. My brain likes certainty and clear answers. Writing does not always offer either.

River of lived experience

People often describe recovery as walking a path, but that has never felt right to me. For me, it has been more like being swept down a river. Sometimes the water is calm. Sometimes you are thrown around by rapids. Sometimes you disappear beneath the surface and wonder how you will come back up again.

Along that journey I met other people who were travelling through their own mental distress. We all looked different. Different ages. Different backgrounds. Different stories. Yet underneath it all, there was something remarkably familiar. We recognised each other. We spoke the same language without needing to explain ourselves.

Connections remain

Today I teach at Southern Health School, supporting young people across the South Island whose mental health means they are unable to attend their regular school. Many of these young people are with the Health School for their mental health and understanding the journey of others can really help them, and their whānau, to navigate their own journey to wellness.

Those beliefs can become far more damaging than the distress itself. I wanted to create something that challenged that.

My hope was simple.

• I wanted people to open a book and discover they were not the only one who felt the way they did.
• I wanted them to recognise themselves in someone else's words.
• I wanted them to understand that their responses made sense, even if they were painful.

Writing takes time

It began with some of my own writing and artwork, along with contributions from people close to me. Before going any further, I took the idea to psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists because I wanted honest feedback. I was fully prepared for someone to tell me it was not a good idea. Instead, every one of them encouraged me to continue. That was the point where I realised I had a responsibility to finish it. Finding contributors became easier than I expected. People told other people. Contributors began contacting me. Artists, writers and people with lived experience all wanted to be involved.

Power of voices

The book is not a clinical guide. It is simply the voice of lived experience. The project was shaped by generosity and has allowed hundreds of copies to be gifted into community organisations throughout New Zealand.

People sometimes ask me what success looks like.

Over the years I have lost students to suicide. If this work helps even one person feel less alone, ask for help, or hold on through one more difficult day, then everything involved in creating it has been worthwhile.

PURCHASE THE BOOK HERE

This Is How It Feels - This Is How It Feels

This Is How It Feels is a New Zealand book and storytelling project created by Heidi McIlroy. Official website for the book This Is How It Feels.” This Is How It Feels is a powerful and deeply human collection of lived experiences of mental and emotional distress from across Aotearoa New Zealand. Through a rich…

This Is How It Feels